Archive for December, 2012

Oh paranoid humans. Thousands of years ago, some people who were way too fond of pyramid-style architecture decided that rather than pointlessly writing in dates thousands of years from now… they’d stop. And go eat a toblerone instead. Now, all these years later – the paranoid world as we know it, now thinks that this day, of no particular importance, will be the end of the world. The rapture. The end of days. It has a lot of names, not all of which have been made into slightly disturbing Arnold Schwarzenegger flicks. Point is, on the 21st December 2012 – the world is going to end. Well, at least some people believe it will end. Me? Well, I think if it was going to end, we would have seen some sort of sign by now. Locusts. River’s running red. We’d have a Tory government and the global economy would continue to plummet… oh wait…

But I haven’t come here to argue the in’s and out’s of an event that may or may not even happen. Instead I thought I would be useful. If some big, cataclysmic event occurs, I am here to help. More specifically, I am here to help you survive.

I know what you’re thinking. How could I possibly be able to help you survive a nuclear holocaust, or a zombie army… or maybe even everybody on the planet suddenly turning into Liverpool supporters (“Oh dear God… NO!”)? You’re right – I can’t. I am pretty sure no one can. But, what I can do, is give you help, advice and tips that may help keep you alive if you do in fact survive this world altering event.

Quick thinking

Now, this may sound pretty lame. But I am guessing that stupidity, hesitation and down right YOLOness will get you killed in this new world faster than you can say ‘Nicki Minaj’. Be smart and trust your instincts. Before any of us were skyping our friends and online shopping, we were animals. Remember that. Ever see a dog get the willies? Or a cat stare at some unknown object for no reason? That’s because animals are much more in tune with their senses. Hunting and sensing danger comes naturally to them. And it will for us again, if the situation calls for it. Listen to your gut, because as well as telling you that you haven’t eaten anything but a protein bar for three days, it will save your life.

Be careful who you trust

Undoubtedly, no matter what the catastrophe, if society falls – so does the socially acceptable code of morals. Be careful of other people, especially strangers. The world as you know it is over – therefore there are no laws any more. All people have to guide them is their conscience, and that can get pretty wacky when people are trying to feed themselves. The animalistic nature I mentioned before? Yeah, well it cuts both ways. People will get violent and dangerous fast. And eventually that will become as normal as your current morning Starbucks. Also, the psycho’s that seem so rare now? Well they won’t be so rare anymore. The vicious ones are undoubtedly the ones who are more likely to survive a post-apocalyptic world because they will do just about anything to anyone to survive.  Even more than that, they will likely want some degree of power over people. They don’t have any rules any more. Therefore in their eyes anything goes.  Avoid these kinds of people at all costs.

Fly under the radar

This sounds pretty obvious, but unless you actively go out of your way to hide yourself everyday, you could get a little lax. If no one notices you, you won’t get murdered. It is that simple. If you have to, move at night to avoid detection. And don’t start fights you know you can’t win.

Move on

This one is a lot easier said than done. But it is likely you will lose a loved one in the ‘event’. It is important that you come to terms with not only that, but the collapse of society quickly. No one will come and rescue you. Be realistic. The sooner you realise that the stronger you will be emotionally. Save your hope for anyone who has been left behind with you, and for the coming new world.

Don’t abuse substances

I mentioned a few posts ago about how ridiculous it is that people in movies have sex in a crisis and inevitably die. The same concept exists here. Drugs are not a good idea once the world ends. Yes, it may seem like you need that stiff drink more than ever, but it could get you killed. You’re living in a world that needs you to be alert as much as humanly possible. Drinking, taking drugs, or even smoking, could avert your attention. Smoking – I hear you ask? Well, inevitably you will have to give it up eventually. Withdrawal from nicotine can cause severe irritability, difficulty focusing, headaches and drowsiness – to name a few symptoms. In order to survive, you need to be at the top of your game.

Don’t eat mushrooms

“I don’t feel bad at all for giving you bloody diarrhoea and respiratory failure!!”

Not as broad as the others, but important none the less. Mushrooms are often seen as a good food to gather. In fact, this couldn’t be more wrong. Low in protein – therefore often not worth the effort – never eat a mushroom unless you are 100% certain of its type. There are so few edible types, that it is far more likely you will end up poisoning yourself. Put your efforts into gathering food you know to be safe.

Preparation is key

It is likely you never know what will happen next, and therefore it is important to prepare. You will know when the seasons will change. Prepare yourself for them. It’s all well and good avoiding the violent people left behind, but if you are not well prepared for the climate, you could die of exposure long before you run into trouble. If winter is coming, prepare by finding somewhere suitable to spend it. Store food supplies and warm clothing (think layers), and get ready to wait it out. All it takes is one bad snowstorm and one bad winter – be ready.

Find a group

I know this may seem to contradict some of the other tips – but your everyday survival will be strengthened in numbers. Once you can find those people you trust, it will make every day activities like finding food and water, much easier.

Find a knife

…And I don’t mean for protection. A sturdy knife will become essential in the day to day – whether that be hunting, building a shelter or making a fire. A good knife is essential.

Make a survival kit

If you are serious about the world ending, then prepare beforehand. Think about all the things that are truly essential to your survival. Things to make a fire (flint, matches, tinder), first aid supplies and water sterilizing tablets are the first thing that should come to mind. Food isn’t that important in the immediate, but will be necessary later. So if you have space, think about items that could help you get food – like a fishing rod. Obviously it is likely you will be in an urban environment. In that case, stock piling non-perishable food might be a good idea. Also, some supplies for a make-shift shelter are a good idea so that you always have somewhere warm and dry to spend the night regardless of what happens. Carrying these things around with you (aside from the food, of course) will minimise the risk of you not being prepared for anything.

Learn to defend yourself

…Yet there are some people that we know will be okay. Maggie? Wanna be buddies?

Seems kind of obvious, I know. But sometimes no matter how careful you are, and how under the radar you fly – things happen that you cannot stop. If the world does end on Friday – well I guess it’s too late to go out and learn kick boxing, or karate. But there are still a few simple ways that you can try to protect yourself. Firstly – fight dirty. This is your life we’re talking about. There is no fighting dirty in this new world. There are no rules – remember? If your attacker is a man, go for the groin. Hell – if they’re a woman – this still hurts, but is less effective. Eye gauging – although it may be repulsive to think about, it could save your life. Once you have successfully immobilised the attacker – don’t hang about. Run the hell away. This isn’t about being tough. This is about survival. The initial blow is there to allow you to retreat. If possible use improvised weapons to fend off the attack. Like I said, there is no such thing as fighting dirty when its your life. Unfortunately, if you’re female, this section is extra important. The chances of sexual assault will increase. Therefore it is important to be ever the more self aware. Remember, however, your number one priority is to survive. If fighting back severely jeopardises that – be smart, and don’t.

Remember who you are

You will change. This huge traumatic event has happened – of course you will. But it is important to remember the person you were. In a world were black and white will be so blurred, you will need to remember the way the previous you approached things. Likely – if you were any kind of stand up person before – this will be a good gage at making sure you are doing the right thing. The last thing you want is for you to slowly turn into one of the crazy one’s without even realising you were.

Live every day as though its your last

…And no I don’t mean YOLO. It will be the small things that will become important. Do you have a meal in your belly and a warm fire to cosy up to? People you trust around you? Then it has been a good day. Learn to appreciate them.

Evaluate where you would be safest

In movies, often when something like this happens, people travel to some place they think they will be safe. It is a good idea to have in your head before hand possible safe places, each at furthering distance. For instance, if there was a zombie attack (hypothetically… I do know zombies don’t exist!) I would try and find an island to inhabit. Given I live in Britain, it would be one on a lake. But the nearest one is miles from me, so I would have to come up with back ups closer, and then closer again, to home. So, it is important to evaluate your threats (depending on the disaster), and find somewhere suitably safe.

…Yet if you’re a paranoid millionaire, you probably already have this covered.

Get fit

Fitness may not be fun, but it is essential in your survival. It will improve your overall health, efficiency, hunting and gathering, defence and mood. Do your best to keep active, as stamina will become very important.

Don’t go for weapons

Weapons are way down on your list of priorities. Unless there is a zombie apocalypse  you need other supplies way more. The people who head for the weapons are likely the one you would end up needing them against. Therefore, to at least prolong the chance of a confrontation, put finding  a weapon way down in your priorities. If you have one to hand – great. But if not, wait until you are at least partially settled. The food and water and much more important at this stage.

To conclude…

Finally, I just want to point something out – Don’t be afraid of death. It is the only certainty we have in life, and eventually mankind’s time will end. Dying in the cataclysmic event probably wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Being left behind? Well, that would be much worse. Surviving in a world with no structure, law or society, well needless to say it would be far from easy. If the world does end and you’re one of the lucky ones who goes, without so much as a whimper – count your chickens! If you survive and are left behind, well – good luck. You’re most definitely going to need it!

‘Cos the guys on the Walking Dead look like they’re having a riot… NOT!

…And I hope these tips did more than just terrify you about the impending apocalypse. Oh and remember, if you are worried about Friday – just remind yourself that you’re listening to a bunch of people who died thousands of years ago, and whose past times include painful body modifications and ritual human sacrifice.

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10) Go caving; The Descent

In what possible way does this look FUN?!

The Descent is a pretty nifty British horror flick about a group of women who go caving and get a little more than they bargained for. Needless to say, I was God damn terrified before any monsters were introduced half way through. Just being trapped in a creepy, pitch black cave is enough for me to veto caving for good.

9) Midnight swimming; Jaws

I have a feeling I’m not alone in this one. Jaws revolutionised the way we see the ocean. And the several similar copy cat films that have come since haven’t changed our minds. If you must go swimming in the ocean, do it with lots and lots of people around… rather them than you.

8) Pick up a hitchhiker; The Hitcher, Wolfcreek, Thelma & Louise, Freeway. 

I swear, nothing good ever came from Hitch-hiking. At least not in Hollywood. I’m pretty sure it isn’t as dangerous as we all think it is, but thanks to the people over at the studio’s, you’d be hard pushed to find someone who didn’t think Hitch hiking resulted in getting murdered, raped or mutilated. Or possibly all three.

At least the guy’s honest…

 

7) Have dinner with Lindsay Lohan; Every movie she’s ever made…

I kid. I kid. Seriously though, that is one woman I shall still be giving a wide berth to. Just saying.

6) Vacation at any cabin whatsoever; Cabin Fever, The Cabin in the Woods, The Evil Dead, Friday the 13th and like another million movies. 

Cabins to me either equal encounters with Bigfoot, getting murdered or some scenario that involves death and never seeing your loved ones again. As the recent flick The Cabin in the Woods so brilliantly illustrates, there are so many ways one can meet their end when staying in a cabin – at least in Hollywood’s eyes. With that in mind, I’m pretty sure I don’t want my last thought to be, “Damn… I knew I shouldn’t have come to this cabin.” No woody adventures for me. Wait… that came out wrong.

7) Go to the deep south; Texas chainsaw massacre, Deliverance, The Devil’s Rejects, The Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn… 

If there is one thing that has set the Southern US’ tourist board back, its movies. Ask anyone who has never actually set foot there… The deep south has a reputation as being full of gun toting lunatics, inbred’s and mutants. Ain’t nobody got time for that…!

Thanks to this film, I can’t even look at a chainsaw. It makes chopping wood such a chore…

6) Listen to really loud music when wearing head phones; The Day After Tomorrow, Friday the 13th (2010), Sharks Tale

…And there just the films I can think of off the top of my head. In movies, bad shit goes down and the head phone wearer is always totally oblivious as they bop along to their nice little tunes. Hell… when even a kids film shows having loud music on while working can have disasterous consequences – well yeah, that pretty much puts this up in 6th place.

5) Drive; Too many movies to count (Duel, Joy ride, Final Destination, All the Hitchhiker movies)

This one isn’t strictly true; I probably will drive one day. With that being said, movies don’t exactly paint a good picture of driving. If people aren’t crashing, their being chased down, or being blown to Timbuktu in some sort of car explosion. Of course there are thousands of movies of people driving and nothing bad happens to them. But at the same time, think about all the horrible events in movies that people have driven to. None of this shit would have happened if y’all just got the train. Hell I’d even take the risk of flying… much less likely to end in disaster. Think about it, even your garden variety action movie always has someone’s car blowing up. Remember the cabin’s we talked about before…? Did you drive there? I rest my case. If its too remote to get to by train or plane… don’t go there.

4) Go on the Tube at night; Creep, 28 Weeks Later, Mimic, Stag Night

The tube is creepy of a day time. Believe me. I didn’t need to get brainwashed by movies to learn that. But, of a night? Well, films pretty much teach us that psychotic homicidal maniacs lurk down there, and somehow have been on a long and arduous killing spree without no one noticing or getting caught. Plus its underground… It’s bad enough fighting a deranged killer, but doing it in a confined space? Um… No thanks.

 

3) Go to prison; Shawshank Redemption, Escape from Alcatraz, The Green Mile, Das Experiment, Lock Up, Con Air, Brokedown Palace,

I know what you’re thinking. Of course no one wants to go to prison. It’s prison – it wouldn’t be a punishment if it was all sunshine and rainbows. However, they really try their hardest in movies to make prison look like a total corrupt shit house. So next time your thinking of downloading a few songs off the internet… just remind yourself of the laundry room scene in Shawshank.

2) Have sex during a crisis; Every slasher flick ever made.

Films teach us that not only will you die a horrible violent death if you’re a slut, but you will be also descend into having an IQ  below 50, meaning you will likely be killed first.

Really people? Really? Your in the middle of a crisis. One of your best friends has just been gutted like a fish, and you wanna get busy?! Oh yeah, ‘cos nothing says horny like a bloody massacre.

1) Sleep anywhere were there has been suggestions of ghosts; Every ghost story. 

If there is one thing that scares me, its ghosts. Real or not, the idea of the scares the bejesus out of me. I think it is because you can’t really fight a ghost. If someone attacks me, or if there’s aliens – or hell, even if a deadly virus breaks out – there are things within my control that I can do. If a ghost attacks me, what am I supposed to do? Call Ghostbusters? A good argument against me here is that ghost’s actually can’t really hurt me either – in theory. What do I say to that? Ever been so scared you felt your heart pumping in your chest like it was about to explode? …Then you will know, it is possible to be scared to death, by having a heart attack or heart failure.

Get away!

I’ve never understood people who would willingly go somewhere they would likely be terrified. I understand the buzz and the adrenaline, like going on a rollercoaster, but there is a pretty big jump from that to watching a scary Japanese girl walk out of your TV. No thanks. I’m out.

James Bond – arguably the most famous franchise ever. You say Bond – people say James Bond. That’s just how it works. Over here in the UK, we love ourselves a bit of Bond. Of course we do, what’s not to love? He’s British, he’s tough, handsome, charming, and he fights for Queen and country. A lot has changed over the last fifty years – but Bond’s appeal certainly hasn’t wavered.

That being said, don’t underestimate how much Sam Mendes Skyfall has done for the franchise. Daniel Craig’s films had been lack lustre up until now. True Bond fans were not impressed that the hero they knew and loved, was morphing into an uncharming, grumpy, gadgetless Bourne wannabe. The die hard fans longed for the days of Pierce, with his cheesy one liners and his irresistible charm. And so when Skyfall  was announced, I’m guessing I wasn’t the only one who was sceptical. I was pretty much about ready to give up on Bond. As far as I was concerned, there hadn’t really been a good proper Bond film since Pierce Brosnan’s Die Another Day. But there were hopeful signs – Adelle signed on to record the infamous Bond song – meaning we were back to having Diva’s with big voices instead of ageing pop stars – something even Pierce’s movies often lacked. Then we were treated to some even more promising signs. Not only was the classic DB-5 returning to the screen, but along with it was Daniel Craig actually making a witty retort. Thing’s started to up…

When Skyfall eventually came out, for me it was everything I’d hoped for and more. From the get go it felt like a Bond film. There was laughs, just the right level of cheesiness and action from start to finish. But more importantly, there was M.

Dame Judi Dench has for a long time now been a redeeming factor. Dench often steels every scene she is in, and as a character, M’s relationship with OO7 is one that has been intriguing from the get go. Choosing to have a Bond film that had as much M as it did James was always going to be a risk, but with Dench at the helm it was a calculated one. Dench gave a thrilling performance, which, in turn brought out the true essence of Bond in Daniel Craig. There was a grumpy love to their relationship, and despite the quips and arguments, you got a real sense of who the front line of defence for our country was – the rule breakers and the renegades like OO7 and M.

Also, for the first time in a long time, every aspect of the Bond film was tied up. The plot made sense, there was links to the past and foreshadowing for the future of Bond. We re-met characters old and new, and had a truly disturbing Bond villain, played so effortlessly by Javier Bardem. If you were still in doubt of the films authenticity, you were treated to explosions on the Tube, James running down London Streets, and explosions that rippled the London skyline. Even the finale took place deep in the highlands of Scotland, instead of the usual backdrop of some Russian base, or a fortified island. The whole film is quintessentially British. And while it may not appeal to the foreign fans of Bond as much as it could have, I think Sam Mendes was determined to bring back everything that he felt made Bond Bond.

And I think it was essentially that aspect that makes Skyfall not only a great Bond movie, but one of the best. If your a true Bond fan, and like me grew up watching the worlds favourite spy and all that came after him, you will love Skyfall. And for the first time in a long time, I’m no longer worried about the future of Bond. Instead, I’m certain he will be a feature in cinema’s everywhere for another at least another 20 years, if not another 50.

 

Coeliac disease. It’s a bitch. It really is. If I wasn’t so busy right now eating gluten free mince pies and sipping my lactofree cup of tea, I’d be right over there to kick Coeliac disease’s ass. That’s right, you heard me CD!

If I was a superhero I’d have this emblazoned on my chest. Is that sad? Oh damn it…

Don’t get me wrong, there are worse things to have. A mild autoimmune disease where you can’t eat wheat, barley and rye is definitely not the worst thing in the world. But its one of those conditions that has one of the worst adverse effects – it’s so God damn annoying. You can’t take a pill and expect it to go away. Its wired into your system. Like whether you can roll your tongue or not. That shit’s in your genes. You can’t forget about it, because you inevitably need to eat a minimum of three times a day. And you can’t just be a bit naughty and indulge yourself for a little while… No, your intestines don’t allow for that.

So, I got thinking about all the crazy ass symptoms – medical and otherwise that make me so certain I have Coeliac disease. I’m not talking about a positive antigen test, I’m talking about the everyday things that I myself notice. Check it out, and see if you share anything similar or whether I’m just in fact crazy…

5) Nightmares about food. 

I’m not messing. I wish I was. I have had actual full on nightmares where I have casually eaten a piece of garlic bread. Afterwards the whole things turned into the final scene of Braveheart  with lots of screams of “Nooooooooo!”, manly tears and the odd bad Scottish accent. It ain’t pretty. The average person is having nightmares about zombies. I’m having traumatic recurring dreams about lasagne.

In the dream I have less hair than Mel Gibson. And bizarrely I don’t look as good in a kilt…

4) Dreams about food. 

Oh it cuts both ways my friend. When I’m not having doughy gremlin type REM sleep, I’m having fantasies about pork pies, pizza and pistachio covered Baklava. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve woken up, dribble all over my pillow, sweat glistening my brow, my heart pounding in my chest… all because my boyfriend picked up the phone and ordered a Domino’s. Yes, when others have sex dreams… I have food dreams.

3) Nervous twitching when someone is  handing out food.

If you have Coeliac disease, you will be well aware of this one. It doesn’t matter where you are; a party, work, supermarket – when the nice lady is slowly coming your way, handing out ‘samples’ of food to people – the twitching starts. I don’t know what it is, but there is a level of panic inside that makes you go from death con five to one faster than you can say sausage roll. Why? Well I guess its a mixture of the fact that you see the woman slowly approaching like a wheat-riddled zombie army, and you have to decide how to act. Do I just say ‘No thanks.’? If I do will they be offended? Do I tell the truth? If I do that, people either fuss or look at me like I’m one of those crazy people who believe carrots have feelings. And then there is the scenario that is out of my control – the person realises my condition, and after holding the plate of sweet smelling goodness under my nose for fifteen seconds, realises and then utters – “Oh sorry, I forgot.” That bitch.

2) Imaginary celebratory high fives when you discover a new food.

I don’t like custard creams. I never really have. In fact, I hate custard so it’s no surprise. But that doesn’t stop me gorging down a whole packet of gluten free custard creams like they’re going out of fashion. It as though, I feel obliged because some company has gone to the effort of making this thing gluten free – solely for me – and so I must buy it. It isn’t enough that the friggin’ packet costs me three pounds. No, I must show my gratitude. I find myself eating things I never ate before just because they are gluten free. It’s absurd. I feel like a heroine addict, desperate to get my wheat-substitute methadone. So if its new, and its got the gluten free sign on it, I’m happy – and I’m eating it. Regardless of whether that said food is in fact kangaroo testicles.

1) Stalking.

Is it me? Or does John Hinckley look remarkably like a more conservative Elton John?

I don’t mean stalking in the John Hinckley sort  of sense of course. But there is something quite perverse that I find myself doing from time to time. I gravitate towards the wheat filled food like its a table of Jodie Foster memorabilia. I find myself staring at it, thinking – “Ohhh… bourbon’s. Nice.” And then I escalate. I find myself gravitating next to the person eating that said bourbon. Its like I’m insanely and pitifully living vicariously through anyone eating a God damn biscuit. Then the staring comes. More thoughts: “Ohhhh… I bet that bourbon tastes real good. Oh it’s been so long…!”  And then there’s a look… a disturbed uncomfortable jostling away from me as people realise I’m ogling them like they’re playboy bunnies and I’m Hugh Hefner. Needless to say – people either a) think I’m a lot weirder than I actually am or b) realise totally and utterly how weird I am.

Either way… I’m doomed.

Teeth is one of those movies that comes around from time to time, and you see the trailer – and there is only really one appropriate response – What the fuck?! 

But the concept is just so God damn strange, and so bizarre that you just have to watch it. Teeth is about a young and pure woman, who discovers she has an unusual adaptation that sets her apart… Her vagina has teeth. I know. It’s ridiculous. And disgusting. “They based a whole movie around that?!” I hear ya… it’s bizarre. Yet somehow intriguing. And if you get passed the gross factor, Teeth is a lot more than it seems. Not only is it darkly funny, but it is probably the most memorable black comedy of the last five years.

Jess Weixler plays Dawn, the dentally endowed teen who has chosen to take a vow of purity and chastity. Dawn is passionate about her promise, and speaks out to persuade others to take the vow. However, when she meets the boy of her dreams she begins to question herself. It is soon after then that she learns of her ‘gift’ and how handy it can actually be.

The whole premise of the film is absurd, but the comedy is so understated it works. Mitchell Lichtenstein, the director, knows entirely the kind of film he is making, resulting in a black comedy that doesn’t take itself too seriously and keeps the audience drawn into the plot. There are good performances all round, particularly from Weixler and John Hensley – who plays Dawn’s idiot and infatuated step brother.

By the end of the film, Dawn has transcended from innocent and terrified teen to a complicit and conniving scorned woman. But it is the dark laughs that make this a film worth watching, and it is that which sets it apart from anything remotely similar.

Overall, a pretty fascinating movie that is difficult to take your eyes off, no matter how much you may want to. I guarantee that, by the last act, if you’re male – you will be holding your special place; and if you’re female – you’ll be googling vagina dentata just to see if this shit is possible… Scarily, it is by the way. 

A 6/10. Check out the trailer below.

If you haven’t spent the last five years in a coma, you will probably be familiar with the urban legend of the Slender Man. There is much debate about where the myth actually comes from… Trolls spend hours upon hours trying to convince the internet of their theory – but the general premise is that there is a man, with no face who sort of looks like the Silence from Doctor Who – except you remember them – and well, you get the gist; he’s terrifying.

Not TODAY slenderman!

However, contrary to what is suggested by the misleading trailer, and the Snakes on a Plane-esque title, The Tall Man has absolutely nothing to do with Slenderman. Not a pickle. Those sneaky people over at the production company surely saw all those over superstitious teens coming. So if you going into The Tall Man, expecting a Slenderman movie, move along. This is not that film (although, I hear they are working on that).

Source: examiner.com

The Tall Man isn’t even really a horror movie, as much as the trailer tries to convince you otherwise. It is so much more than that. In truth, it is really a story of two halves, and two genres. The first half of the movie is your typical horror/thriller story with the strong female protagonist in the form of Jessica Biel. What follows in the latter half, is much more in the mystery genre. Everything we thought was true in the first half of the movie is turned on its head, and what we are left with is a smart film that even leaves you pondering a moral dilemma.

That is why The Tall Man is unlike all your average popcorn fright films. It has a conscience as much as the characters do, and Pascal Laugier has managed to craft a concept that could have been predictable and uninteresting on its own, into one of intrigue. To boot, there is a few jumpy moments on the way, and Jessica Biel gives possibly the best performance I’ve seen from her. Especially considering the undulating moral viewpoints we see of her throughout the film. But it is Jodelle Ferland who steels the show as the mute neighbourhood kid who seems lost in plain sight. Still in her teens, Ferland is already a pretty large acting force, and I forsee a bright Oscar coloured career in her future.

Overall, the Tall Man will have you asking questions hours after, and it impresses in how much it delivers itself as a solid little thriller. My only down points are that the plot was a little slow towards the end, meaning the end climax wasn’t really a climax at all. But other than that, a good solid mystery thriller.

A respectable 6/10.

 

Every time I write down somewhere that I’m a writer, I feel like I am making some sort of big cheat. Its not like the days of Charlotte Bronte or Jane Austen, where you scribbled down a masterpiece on parchment paper using one of those torture devices known as a quill… Those were real writers. No, these days anyone can be a writer. With the internet, laptops, smartphones – instant connectivity to the world – its all so easy. Or so it seems.

Maybe it is in fact harder to be a writer. We live in an age of distraction. There is always something we could be doing, procrastination is the watch word and its on every person’s lips. If you’re from my generation, and you’ve spent any time trying to do pretty much anything productive, you will know what I’m talking about. Its insufferable sometimes. We’ve spent all our time perfecting inside, making life more entertaining and easier. What if we’ve just made things worse?

Every now and then when I’m in a real writers rut, I find myself day dreaming about the real world morphing into the world’s that I write about. Not necessarily a post-apocalyptic nightmare – just simpler. No phones, no computers, nothing but the bare minimal. The whole of life would go by with just one objective – to survive. Finding food, staying healthy, caring for the ones you love, running through the rain and staring at the brilliant nights sky… those are the things I want to live for. Hell, most of us can’t even see the night sky from where we are thanks to all the light pollution.

I’d much rather spend my evenings under this than having a technology riddled monkey on my back.

Truth be told, we have restricted our selves with all the technology and the busy, non-stop lives we lead. We’re constantly reaching for the next goal, so that we never cherish the one we’ve just reached. We update our facebook status instead of calling a friend, we read five minute news stories about events going on a thousand miles away and brush it off as an after thought seconds later. But are we ever actually living? What is living?

Don’t get me wrong… I do appreciate how bold my original statement may seem.

Why I sometimes wish the Mayan’s were right…

Do I want the world to end? Of course not. But I sometimes think that if we were all taken down a peg, if we lost all the unnecessary technology that we rely on for every second of every day – we would be better off. Even for a little while. We’d find each other again. We would find our own thoughts again. And most of all we would rediscover the real world again… the world that we all seem so eager to shut out.

Would Charlotte Bronte have written Jane Eyre if she was getting Facebook notifications about the Bronte family picnic every five minutes? And not only that, would she have even thought of the story to begin with? Probably not, because its so goddamn hard to write about life when you don’t seem to be out there much actually living it. I’m betting Charlotte daydreamed a lot… forming stories and characters in her head. When was the last time you day dreamed?

Life is like an airport. Just as one plane takes off, another is coming in. Is it too much to ask for a blizzard once in a while?