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I will let you in on my worst kept secret. I have a rather irrational fear of worms. Well, at least people tell me it is irrational.
“They can’t hurt you Hannah, they’re only worms. I don’t get why they frighten you so much?!” – Annoying person who loves me, yet fails to understand me.

Yeah – well, you know what? It isn’t irrational.

Yeah, that’s right. Take a good long look at that worm. It looks like the real life version of a Sarlacc… except its real, and it doesn’t rely on ugly, fat slug men for its main source of fibre. 

Still think I’m crazy? Well, you’re entitled. And kind of right.

But, it was this fear that stopped me watching the Horror flick – and I use that term loosely – Slither. If you’ve seen it, you will probably debate with me as to whether the little critters are actually worms, or more like slugs. Point is, it didn’t matter. The were long and icky and they inserted themselves into your mouths. I didn’t need to know much more.

Alas, I eventually changed my mind. Why? Well, I like Nathan Fillion. And I like Elizabeth Banks. Both of whom are in the movie. So six years later, I battened down the hatches, grabbed my Anakin Skywalker replica lightsaber (Hey, it worked against the Sarlacc…) and set about watching the film.

The best thing about Slither? It knows entirely what kind of movie it is. So many films fail because they try to pigeon hole themselves into one genre or another, or try to be something that from the plot, premise or cast, it definitely can’t be. But Slither knows the kind of people who are going to go see it, and it doesn’t take itself too seriously. To the point, in fact, that it is almost a parody of itself. Slither picks up all those gross and absurd parts of movie’s like Alien, The Blob and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and shows how hilarious the whole thing really is. And, quite simply, that is why it works.

Slither starts with some sort of alien ‘pod’ firing a harpoon kind of thing at the all American, hill billy-type character called Grant (played by Michael Rooker). Grant has a trophy wife named Starla (Elizabeth Banks) who is a school teacher with unresolved feelings for local Sheriff, Bill (Nathan Fillion). When Grant comes home after his alien encounter, he is acting strange, but by all accounts looks the same. It is only after a few days that his behaviour starts getting stranger, and his face and body start morphing. Eventually he turns into what I can only describe as ‘something I made with play-do one time in nursery’ and sets about infecting the town. How does he do this? Well that right there is the really icky part. Even more than the worms. Seriously! These two worm penis things come out of his chest and pump alien spunk into his unwilling victims chests – impregnating them with his worm juice. It’s all very disturbing! And had parallels with Alien. I mean, if you know anything about Sci-Fi, you know that the face huggers in Alien were always supposed to be a metaphor for male rape. Well guess the guys over at Slither thought, “Fuck that, we can be well more hard core!” And they were.

Once impregnated, you become so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so hungry you end up like this:

slitherYeah, I wasn’t kidding about the hungry part.
And as if that wasn’t enough, you then explode and thousands of little worms/slugs come out, and then face rape you by jumping into your mouth and infecting your brain until your basically one big alien Grant. What a lovely way to go. Honestly, I can’t decide which way is worse. Becoming this guy:
Having this come at you:
…And then exploding, or swallowing one of these bad boys:

Wow.

If this thing was real, it would make Alien look like a pest control problem.

But it isn’t the movie monsters that makes this a good film. It is the cast and the script. With lines like:
“If I weren’t about to shit in my pants right now, I’d be fuckin’ fascinated.”
And:
“He looks likes something that fell off my dick during the war.”
You can’t go wrong.

Nathan Fillion is at his loveable best as Bill, and gets a lot of laughs with his sarcastic Sheriff routine. Elizabeth Banks proves she should get to do more lead roles – and now, thankfully, she does – as Starla, and Tania Saulnier plays the traumatised, young teen who survives and sets about helping the pair save the world.

Overall, if you want a real Friday night, popcorn movie with a few laughs and moments of  “Ewww…” then Slither is totally up your street. As long as you don’t take it too seriously, it won’t either and you are bound to enjoy this campy, cult horror flick as it was meant to be enjoyed.

A solid 7/10.

Which is MASSIVE given the kind of film it is! I must be feeling generous.

 

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Roisin Duggan Art

Check out my friend Ro’s art channel… if your interested in new artists you must check her out. She even does requests. 

Posted: May 19, 2012 in Uncategorized

I suddenly remember why Will Smith was my first true love!

Posted: May 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

Funny blog post about spending the day in an inner city school.

The Jackie Blog

Last Friday I found myself standing in the stall of the faculty bathroom of a local public school, wondering what would happen if I just didn’t go back to class to teach.

Happy Lollipop Tuesday y’all.

If you’re new ’round these parts and you don’t know that today is a semi-holiday (it’s okay, I didn’t get you anything either), mosey on  up to the “What’s Lollipop Tuesday?” tab at the top of the page.  You’ll hear all about my adventures in sucking at new things, and all about why I couldn’t just stay in the bathroom stall and wash myself in my own tears.

Now, back to my personal hell.

For this installment of Lollipop Tuesday, I signed up to be a volunteer teacher at a local school.  It’s a program that was offered through my workplace, where instead of going to the office for a day I head out…

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Living amongst nature. Tending to the animals on your farm and picking apples from the small orchard that calls your garden its home. Looking outside of your bedroom window and seeing a sea of green and a nice blue sky. You breathe a nice healthy breath and your senses are awakened by a cold and fresh air that is laced with nothing but the smells of nature and all the things God put on this green earth. 

Now your probably thinking, “Where is she going with this?” Or maybe, “Oh she’s speaking from experience – she must be from the country.” Or (god forbid) – “I wish this bitch would shut up.” Either way, I will make my point. The image I described is in no way related to how I live nor how I was brought up. I’m from Liverpool. I’m no country bumpkin. The closest I get to an orchard is when I go down the fruit and veg aisle at Tesco. That being said, when I made my ‘migration’ – as I’m so lovingly calling it – to the big bad capital city, London, I was culture shocked. Which is surprising.

I will let you in on a bit of a secret. That lovely image I described at the beginning (although not everyone’s cup of tea) is pretty close to how my partner Gethin grew up. He’s Welsh. He didn’t start learning English till he was seven. He sees the Aberystwyth Arts Centre as how New Yorker’s see Madison Square Gardens (I know…!). His idea of a good night out was a few drinks in some pubs and then on to Pier Pressure (Aberystwyth’s one and only night club that resides itself on –you guessed it! – The Pier). His weekends were spent playing golf, going to the one screen cinema or perhaps for a walk on the beach. Now it may sound like I’m shitting on that, or on him. I’m not. But when you grow up in England’s fourth largest city – Aberystwyth just seems dull. Its probably not. But city life is a whole other ball game than country life. There’s always something to do, there is always something happening, and there is always people to meet.

So after 21 years you’d think I would have taken London in one big stride. I didn’t. Walking down a street in London shouldn’t feel any different than walking down one in Liverpool. It does. Why? There is one big factor that we have to consider here – London isn’t home. Even if I live here for twenty years, I can’t see it feeling like home. I find that is a common conception in Scousers. There is something about Liverpool that makes you feel like your coming home even if you’ve been gone for decades. But its not just that. Everything in London is so god damn efficient. I have a couple of tests for you. If you live in London, every time you get the tube, check to see if you have to wait more than 5 minutes. I’m telling you – you could go months, actual months before you waited that long. And when you do I guarantee you will stand there, toe tapping the platform and grimacing your face in shear disgust and frustration that you’ve had to wait so long. Its ridiculous! I swear I’ve seen people run – as in actually, full on, sprinting – just to get on the train. And when they don’t make it they flip out like someone rear ended their Porsche. How long do they have to wait till the next train? 2 minutes. What could possibly be so urgent that a 2 minute wait would make you flip out?! I tell you – nothing (Unless you’re Neo and Agent Smith is chasing you – then feel free to freak the fuck out. Otherwise – zip it). Then there is the second test. Go outside for a walk, and count how long it takes for you to see another person. Even at 4 am, I guarantee you will be bumping into someone within 10 minutes. Whether you want to or not. Every city has tests like this – don’t get me wrong. Walk round Wavertree in Liverpool and see how long it takes for you to a) Spot a drug dealer b) Be offered drugs or c) Be offered sex. Thankfully a) is more common than the other two, but they happen. My point is – London is inescapable. They can build their big parks, and they do – there’s hundreds of them. But it doesn’t change the fact your living in a huge city. Its sort of like being a gold fish. Bear with me on this one. You can put miniature castles in the bowl, you can pile loads of other fishy friends in too. Hell you could even put some of those illuminous pink stones in the bottom if you like. But none of that changes the fact that your still a gold fish, and you’re still trapped in the bowl. That’s what living in London is like. There is loads to do. And there is people everywhere. But unlike in Liverpool, you feel so much more cut off from the world. Escaping from London for even a little while feels just as impossible as escaping the gold fish bowl.

I’m not saying I don’t like London. It has its charms. But I sometimes wish I could get into a car and go see some farmers fields. Bizarre, I know. I didn’t exactly have that in Liverpool. But it was there, on the outskirts, if I needed it. And now that its gone, I don’t feel like I’ve lived in Liverpool for 21 years. I feel like I was the person at the beginning of this post who lives on a farm, and breath’s in the fresh country air. I feel like the Welsh(woman) whose moved to the big bad city. And if I’m honest, I wanna get out of the fish bowl every once in a while because one way or another, it is way too crowded in here, and, quite frankly – I hate the colour illuminous pink.

As much as i love the guy, we should stop and think about just how perverse the guy really is. He smiles a frozen smile as he kills. He essentially kills things who are leisurely walking about minding there own business… He is a serial killer mascarading as your friendly plumber. And what makes the guy truly perverse? The chirpy but incredibly unsettling music that plays in his head for the duration of the whole thing! I’m telling you – the guys not right. (And don’t even get me started on his brother Luigi!).