Posts Tagged ‘horror movies’

10) Go caving; The Descent

In what possible way does this look FUN?!

The Descent is a pretty nifty British horror flick about a group of women who go caving and get a little more than they bargained for. Needless to say, I was God damn terrified before any monsters were introduced half way through. Just being trapped in a creepy, pitch black cave is enough for me to veto caving for good.

9) Midnight swimming; Jaws

I have a feeling I’m not alone in this one. Jaws revolutionised the way we see the ocean. And the several similar copy cat films that have come since haven’t changed our minds. If you¬†must¬†go swimming in the ocean, do it with lots and lots of people around… rather them than you.

8) Pick up a hitchhiker; The Hitcher, Wolfcreek, Thelma & Louise, Freeway. 

I swear, nothing good ever came from¬†Hitch-hiking. At least not in Hollywood. I’m pretty sure it isn’t as dangerous as we all think it is, but thanks to the people over at the studio’s, you’d be hard pushed to find someone who didn’t think Hitch hiking resulted in getting murdered, raped or mutilated. Or possibly all three.

At least the guy’s honest…

 

7) Have dinner with Lindsay Lohan;¬†Every movie she’s ever made…

I kid. I kid. Seriously though, that is one woman I shall still be giving a wide berth to. Just saying.

6) Vacation at any cabin whatsoever; Cabin Fever, The Cabin in the Woods, The Evil Dead, Friday the 13th and like another million movies. 

Cabins to me either equal encounters with Bigfoot, getting murdered or some scenario that involves death and never seeing your loved ones again. As the recent flick The Cabin in the Woods so brilliantly illustrates, there are so many ways one can meet their end when staying in a cabin – at least in Hollywood’s eyes. With that in mind, I’m pretty sure I don’t want my last thought to be, “Damn… I knew I shouldn’t have come to this cabin.” No woody adventures for me.¬†Wait… that came out wrong.

7) Go to the deep south;¬†Texas chainsaw massacre, Deliverance, The Devil’s Rejects, The Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn…¬†

If there is one thing that has set the Southern US’ tourist board back, its movies. Ask anyone who has never actually set foot there… The deep south has a reputation as being full of gun toting lunatics, inbred’s and mutants.¬†Ain’t nobody got time for that…!

Thanks to this film, I can’t even look at a chainsaw. It makes chopping wood such a chore…

6) Listen to really loud music when wearing head phones; The Day After Tomorrow, Friday the 13th (2010), Sharks Tale

…And there just the films I can think of off the top of my head. In movies, bad shit goes down and the head phone wearer is always totally oblivious as they bop along to their nice little tunes. Hell… when even a¬†kids film¬†shows having loud music on while working can have disasterous consequences – well yeah, that pretty much puts this up in 6th place.

5) Drive; Too many movies to count (Duel, Joy ride, Final Destination, All the Hitchhiker movies)

This one isn’t strictly true; I probably will drive one day. With that being said, movies don’t exactly paint a good picture of driving. If people aren’t crashing, their being chased down, or being blown to¬†Timbuktu in some sort of car explosion. Of course there are thousands of movies of people driving and nothing bad happens to them. But at the same time, think about all the horrible events in movies that people have¬†driven¬†to. None of this shit would have happened if y’all just got the train. Hell I’d even take the risk of flying… much less likely to end in disaster. Think about it, even your garden¬†variety action movie always has someone’s car blowing up. Remember the cabin’s we talked about before…? Did you drive there? I rest my case. If its too remote to get to by train or plane… don’t go there.

4) Go on the Tube at night; Creep, 28 Weeks Later, Mimic, Stag Night

The tube is creepy of a day time.¬†Believe me.¬†I didn’t need to get brainwashed by movies to learn that. But, of a night? Well, films pretty much teach us that psychotic homicidal maniacs lurk down there, and somehow have been on a long and arduous killing spree without no one noticing or getting caught. Plus its underground… It’s bad enough fighting a deranged killer, but doing it in a confined space? Um… No thanks.

 

3) Go to prison; Shawshank Redemption, Escape from Alcatraz, The Green Mile, Das Experiment, Lock Up, Con Air, Brokedown Palace,

I know what you’re thinking. Of course no one wants to go to prison. It’s prison – it wouldn’t be a punishment if it was all sunshine and rainbows. However, they really try their hardest in movies to make prison look like a total corrupt shit house. So next time your thinking of downloading a few songs off the internet… just remind yourself of the laundry room scene in Shawshank.

2) Have sex during a crisis; Every slasher flick ever made.

Films teach us that not only will you die a horrible violent death if you’re a slut, but you will be also descend into having an IQ ¬†below 50, meaning you will likely be killed first.

Really people? Really? Your in the middle of a crisis. One of your best friends has just been gutted like a fish, and you wanna get busy?! Oh yeah, ‘cos nothing says horny like a bloody massacre.

1) Sleep anywhere were there has been suggestions of ghosts; Every ghost story. 

If there is one thing that scares me, its ghosts. Real or not, the idea of the scares the bejesus out of me. I think it is because you can’t really fight a ghost. If someone attacks me, or if there’s aliens – or hell, even if a deadly virus breaks out – there are things within my control that I can do. If a ghost attacks me, what am I supposed to do? Call Ghostbusters? A good argument against me here is that ghost’s actually can’t really hurt me either – in theory. What do I say to that? Ever been so scared you felt your heart pumping in your chest like it was about to explode? …Then you will know, it¬†is¬†possible to be scared to death, by having a heart attack or heart failure.

Get away!

I’ve never understood people who would¬†willingly¬†go somewhere they would likely be terrified. I understand the buzz and the adrenaline, like going on a rollercoaster, but there is a pretty big jump from that to watching a scary Japanese girl walk out of your TV. No thanks. I’m out.

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