Posts Tagged ‘read me now’

The Internet is like a interracial cesspool of bad jokes, cat videos and cheaply made porn. And that’s not necessarily a metaphor. But sometimes, just sometimes it’s knowledge and power can be used for the good of mankind… Like turning that frown upside down and learning how to make a home made laser gun so you can write your name in a way that’s cooler than Morgan Freeman’s answering machine message.

But alas, things like this aren’t discovered every day. However if you are in need of a daily fix of Internet methamphetamines than here is a list of websites that will surely make you higher than Felix Baumgartner’s highest fart – I’m guessing there was a lot of them… “Zum… Z’I’m Zitting nervous znow.” So check them out and relieve yourself of the ever more increasingly brutal thought that we’re all just tiny organisms living in an infinite universe, spinning around on a piece of rock in front of a dying big ball of gas. Yeah… You may want to check them out sooner rather than later.

Cracked’s motto is that it’s ‘America’s only humour site since 1952’. None of that statement is untrue. Okay it’s a little untrue. With writers like Robert Brockway writing about people getting gerbils stuck in asses and articles about how to survive the incoming zombie apocalypse, it is both informative and essential reading – like checking the lottery numbers or seeing who went from X Factor – Ha! Just kidding… As if I watch X factor subscribe to the ridiculous notion that I will one day win a gazillion pounds and buy my way through the apocalypse-proof realty industry… Because what else are you gonna do with £200 million pounds? Seriously though, Cracked is the biggest breakthrough since ‘they’ figured out how to draw those adorable miniature pictures on grains of rice – and I’m sure equally as useful.

Look! It’s a cow photo bombing a horse that’s stuck in a fence!

So many levels of awesome!

Yeah, that is pretty much all you need to know about tickld. Probably my most viewed website, I have started to see the world in the style of meme’s, similar to how Neo sees the matrix. It’s a special gift. Once acquired you are sure to ruin your chances of ever getting through a serious situation again without screeching “Oppam gangum style!”

Oh look… There goes that job interview.

3. Dailymail

Now before you get all pie throw’y at me, I should be clear… I hate so called newspapers like this. In the real world, this is not journalism, and their homepage frequently has more spelling mistakes than a kindergarten spelling bee. But… and this is a pretty big butt – like J-Lo sized – I also enjoy reading the one-sided ridiculous opinions of the morons of this country passed off as fact in such an obvious way it’s like passing yourself off as a lady called Bob – I mean… BARBara – when you have a beard. It rejoices me so to see that while I may be having a bad day, at least I’m not Diane from Sheffield who thinks we should all just ‘do away with university students ‘cos they’re all just lay about wastes of space’ – oh what’s that Diane? You need life saving heart surgery? Oh dear. Let me put this in a language you understand… WE HAVE NO DOCTORS. YOU BINNED THEM ALL.

The daily mail also has a habit of telling us about the gruesome and deadly encounters of people with dogs, bath salts and tax evading maniacs every three stories which also allows me to act like I live in some sort of Mad Max/Escape from New York dystopian society for a few minutes every day. It makes my gluten free corn flakes taste less mundane.

4. YouTube trends

…because you can never have too many cat videos, flash mobs and finger biting children. WORD.

Nowhere else can you see a girl called “Justin” singing the sweet sounds of hell next to a guy asking the ever more relevant question – But will it blend?

Also, there is nothing sweeter than a moronic YouTube comment.

5. My website

Oh come on… You had to have seen that one coming! No? Do you comment on the daily mail website by any chance?